SMUG ALERT: “The Floor Recognizes The Delegate From Douchemenistan”

Ladies, try to contain your orgasms.  

This is a capture of an actual facebook profile sent in by one our readers.  I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a more punchable face. And while I doubt this smugster did this on purpose, the photo actually looks like some kind of white power ad.  It’s never a good idea to take a picture of yourself (a white male in the absolute aryan image) surrounded by a bunch of minorities with the caption “superior.” 

On a side note, the kid in the back looks like he’s killed a small animal at some point. Probably in the last 24 hours.

SMUG ALERT:  Dramatic Yelp Review Girl

Naomi just ripped apart the new restaurant in town with a bad review on Yelp! so she could feel better about her shitty life. She already feels the enlightenment of her own intelligence.

SMUG ALERT: Middle-Ground Smugness

You know what really grinds my gears?  Middle-ground Smugness. The kind of smug superiority that comes from not taking a side in an important debate. This doesn’t mean that every debate only has two possible sides. I get that there are grey areas. But never having conviction about anything doesn’t make you some brilliant, philosopher enlightened enough to be “above it all”.

SMUG ALERT: Tattoo Girl

“LOOK at her tattoo of a butterfly…. it’s so cliché. MY tattoos on the other hand, MEAN something… you see they originated in blah, blah, fuckity fuck fucking BLAH.”

SMUG ALERT: “OMG, Read A Book”

Where did the idea that reading a book makes you incredibly intelligent come from?

“OMG, read a fucking book!”

Yeah thanks for the tip, I really should stop watching all these documentaries and reading stuff on the internet. We all know that intelligence is knowing what happens in 50 Shades of Grey or Harry Potter.

SMUG ALERT: Working Your Way Up The Corporate Ladder

James is trying to work out whether ‘intensity’ or ‘drive’ should be the top skill listed on his resumé.

SMUG ALERT: Last-Second Lane Merger Guy

This is Justin.  He just saved himself 10 seconds by refusing to merge with other traffic until the very last second before the lane he’s driving in closes. 

SMUG ALERT: Smug Dog Scoffs At Your Attempt To Contain Him

I guess he’s ‘on the fence’ about leaving the yard though.  Or maybe he’s just taking a ‘paws’ to consider it.

I like the sign on the gate: “Caution Dogs Running Free.” It’s as if this guy’s owners think that sign will clear them of any wrongdoing if he jumps the fence and bites someone. 

“We had a sign man!”

SMUG ALERT: People That Understand English But Refuse to Speak It

Chewbacca has been flying around as Han Solo’s sidekick for over thirty years and hasn’t once spoken a word of English.  The guy obviously understands it.  Yet hes always jabbering on in his “Wookie” language — all the while refusing to speak the language of the people he surrounds himself with.  

Think a little too highly of yourself to speak our common tongue eh, bro? Smug prick.

Listening to this guy talk is like listening to a bear struggle to shit out a bag of razor blades while standing next to a wood chipper.  Excruciatingly annoying.  And excruciatingly smug.

SMUG ALERT: Just Look At The Damn Camera

Stephen stares off “meaningfully” into the middle distance in all his photos.

SMUG ALERT: Lenny Kravitz Has A Big Ass Scarf, Or A Small Carpet

At what size does a scarf become a rug?

This all just seems a little dramatic. Yes, I get it, it was cold out and scarves are so hot right now (literally). And yes, you’re conveniently prepared for an impromptu picnic. But jeez Louise, maybe just try a regular-sized scarf like the rest of us, Lenny. Most celebs do what they can to avoid attracting attention to themselves while out in public. You obviously didn’t get that memo. 

SMUG ALERT: Can’t You Do Your Recess Tricks Someplace Else?

Some smug-ass chick was pulling one of these numbers at the gym the other day. Standing on your head wasn’t even impressive when we were 10 and it sure as fuck isn’t exercise. Quit smugging up the free weight section and go do third grade recess tricks on a sustainable beach or a free range chicken farm with the rest of the smugster, faux-hippies.

SMUG ALERT:  Organic Milk Carton Comes With Instructions

What is this pretentious bullshit?  I know how to open a milk carton.  Your instructions aren’t helpful, they’re condescending.

And you know what? I’m not going to fall for your fascist traps.  Simple suggestions all seem so reasonable until you’re just another cog in the machine.  Ok, yeah, sure, I’ll open the carton from the other side alright, but I’m not using that fucking spout. No way. Viva La Revolucion.

SMUG ALERT: Long Ass Louis Vuitton Commercial

This just may be the most pretentious and hilariously overdone match of product and visuals in advertising history.  Showered in Gustavo Santollala’s evocative score (thanks Shazam), with imagery so sickly beautiful, it would make Dick Cheney weep, I couldn’t help but laugh out loud when it played in movie theaters last year.  The punchline happens at 2:41.

I really don’t want to spoil what this commercial is for, but, seriously, all of that for a bag?!

SMUG ALERT: Earth Day

Earth Day—the one day a year when every smug asshat with a recycle bin and a reusable grocery bag smugly sticks their nose in the air and “saves the planet” by starting a compost pile they’ll never use, inconveniencing coworkers by asking to carpool to work, or adopting some fucking beach in a third world country the residents of which could really use food or clothing over the insignificant, self-congratulatory donation of an American elitist looking for an “Earth Day” Facebook badge.  Don’t worry—if that didn’t rid the world of pollution, NBC turned its smug fucking peacock green.  Problem solved.